When Something You Love Starts Draining You

I tell a story in Bring Your Big Energy, about launching a social program for our homeowners association. And at the time, I genuinely LOVED it. I secured a budget, created a multi-year events plan and organized experiences that brought our community together. If you know me, you know this is completely my jam.

Creating experiences and bringing people together has always lit me up. On my tombstone, please carve: she was in the business of experience creation! 

Whether I am live on stage in front of you, coaching with you 1:1, you are attending an event I am hosting and/or I am in your earbud through the podcast or audiobook - I want you to experience something meaningful - and leave inspired and better than you were before.

But, alas, I digress:)

So in this case with my local social position, I was on fire! I planned and hosted and did all the events. I created a multi-year plan, secured resources and funding, planned all the marketing and registration and was building our community!

Said in short - It was absolutely an Ignitor.

But over time, things changed. My kids weren't really participating anymore, the workload had grown, I had very little help, but lots of opinions, each event was piling up in my garage not even cleaned up before the next one hit — and something I'd once been excited to do started feeling like one more obligation on an already-full list.

The funny thing is, I kept doing it for quite a while anyway. Like a full 6 months to be real. I had started it, people counted on me, I was good at it, and somewhere along the way I had convinced myself that all of those things meant I should keep doing it.

That's where I think so many of us get stuck.

We know we're allowed to walk away from something that's terrible. But what about something that was once wonderful? What about something we chose, loved and maybe even helped create?

Eventually I had to stop asking whether the HOA program was still a good thing and start asking a completely different question:

What is continuing to say YES to this requiring me to say NO to?

That question changed everything.

When I really sat with that question, the answer was: so many things I loved.

It was time with my kids during a season when their schedules were getting busier and my time with them was becoming more precious. It was time I could spend coaching clients, work that deeply energized me and was becoming an increasingly important part of the life I was building. It was the Saturday afternoon I could finally clean out the garage that was making me crazy every time I walked through it.

And yes, sometimes it was doing absolutely NOTHING productive. Resting. Reading. Sitting on the couch. Filling my own cup back up.

That's the sneaky thing about opportunity cost. We tend to look only at what we're giving up when we walk away from something. We don't spend nearly enough time thinking about what we might be getting back.

When I finally stepped away, I didn't feel regret. I felt relieved. Not because the experience had been bad or because I wished I'd never done it. Quite the opposite. It had been exactly what I needed and wanted during one season of my life.

It just didn't belong in the next one.

Try Your Own Energy Audit

This is one of the exercises I walk through in Bring Your Big Energy, and you don't need to wait for a major life transition to do it. In fact, that's the point. Our lives change constantly, which means our energy audits need to change with them.

Grab a notebook, your calendar, or even the Notes app on your phone and make two columns:

IGNITORS | DRAINERS

Start getting everything down. Think about your work, relationships, commitments, routines, hobbies, responsibilities and even the things taking up mental space. What gives you energy? What leaves you wanting more? And what consistently leaves you depleted, overwhelmed or wishing you didn't have to do it again?

Then look at your Ignitors a second time.

Are they ALL still Ignitors?

That's the part I want you to pay particular attention to.

Look at the things you've been doing for years. The roles you've become known for. The traditions you've always managed. The responsibilities you've automatically carried forward from one year to the next.

Circle anything you're not quite sure about anymore.

Then ask yourself:

• If this showed up in my life for the first time today, would I say yes?

• What else could I be doing with this time or energy that would bring me more joy?

• What is the opportunity cost of continuing?

And finally, pay attention to your body. This is something I talk about in the book too.

Imagine actually saying, “I'm done.”

Imagine taking the commitment off your calendar or handing the responsibility to someone else.

• How does that feel?

• Regret? Anxiety? Unrest?

• Or does something inside you immediately go...

Ahhhhhhh.

That feeling is information.

Your goal isn't to abandon everything that occasionally exhausts you. Some of the most meaningful things in our lives require enormous amounts of energy. The goal is to notice when you're continuing to invest your finite energy somewhere simply because you haven't stopped long enough to ask whether you still want to.

Because sometimes an Ignitor doesn't become a Drainer overnight. It happens so gradually that we don't even notice.

Until we finally ask the question.

ISN'T IT TIME YOU ASKED IT?

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