Stop “Shoulding” Yourself

That simple, and a bit cheeky line, is one of our faves in the coaching world. I will tell my clients “lovingly” that it is that very “shoulding” themselves that is holding them back from big dreams, dare moves and leveling up.

And by the time we reach midlife, most of us have accumulated a very long list of “shoulds.”

Those things that nag at you when you see others moving in the way they are, the surpassed dreams that have melted away to the pace at which we run.

The feeling that we are never fast enough, bright enough, healthy enough, smart enough for what “they” say we should be. Side note: who are “they” anyway?

We battle with the demons of 

• I should be further along by now.

• I should have more money.

• I should be thinner.

• I should be more organized.

• I should know exactly what I want to do next.

• I should be able to balance my career, my family, my health, my relationships and everything else without dropping a single ball.

• I should be grateful for what I have, so maybe I shouldn’t want anything different.

And one of the biggest ones:

• I should have my life figured out by now.

But seriously, who made these rules? Like, again, actually who makes them?? THEY?

Some of these “shoulds” came from our parents, workplaces, friends, social media or society. They were handed to us so early that we don’t even remember agreeing to them.

And sometimes, nobody is actually judging us anymore. We are just anticipating the judgment. Waiting for it to creep up and jump scare us in the middle of a bright sunny day.

We have created an invisible audience in our heads, and we are making real-life decisions based on what we imagine they might think.

In Bring Your Big Energy, I wrote:

“When we lack the personal clarity to chase what we want, we chase what others say we should.”

We live in a society that has millions running on hamster wheel because it has taught us that success is always up and to the right. More money. A bigger title. A nicer home. A thinner body. A busier calendar. A perfectly organized life. A clear five-year plan.

We keep climbing because climbing is what successful people are supposed to do. The climb is arduous, exhausting, mind numbing and at points all out confusing.

And then you reach that place. The place that looks successful to everyone else and it no longer feels meaningful to you? It is empty, cold and lonely at best and at worst you lost the version of yourself that began the climb in the very first place. 

But here is what I am beginning to understand: the shoulds aren’t facts. They are stories.

• Stories about what success is supposed to look like.

• Stories about where we are supposed to be by a certain age.

• Stories about what a good mother, partner, friend, leader or woman would do.

• Stories about what we must accomplish before we are allowed to feel proud of ourselves.

• Stories about who we need to become before we are finally enough.

We repeat these stories so often that they begin to sound like the truth. But just because a thought has been living inside your head for years doesn’t mean it belongs there.

The Shoulds Are Stories, Not Truths

Somewhere along the way, many of us stopped asking what we actually wanted and started asking what would look right to everyone else.

Seeking belonging, acceptance, understanding and coloring outside of the box may in fact make them think that we  ost our mind?

Would they judge me if I slowed down, changed direction, asked for help, wanted more or admitted that I had absolutely no idea what I wanted next?

That is the invisible audience.

They aren’t sitting in your house. They aren’t paying your bills. They aren’t lying awake at night with your worries, carrying your responsibilities or living with the consequences of your decisions.

But somehow, they still get a vote. Actually, sometimes they get the loudest vote.

We perform for people who may not even be watching. We edit our dreams so they will be easier to explain. We measure ourselves against people living completely different lives. We race toward milestones we never consciously chose and then wonder why reaching them doesn’t feel the way we imagined it would.

The shoulds keep us chasing - promotions, a number on the scale, aperfectly organized home and an approval that is not there for the giving.

Chasing the version of ourselves who finally has everything figured out.

But the finish line keeps moving.

There is always another accomplishment, another comparison and another reason we are not quite there yet.

Maybe the problem isn’t that you haven’t worked hard enough.

Maybe the problem is that you are trying to win a race you never chose to enter.

ABANDON the Old Story

ABANDON is one of the five steps in my SPARK Energy Transformation Process.

In Bring Your Big Energy, I describe this step as dropping the unneeded baggage we keep hauling into our next season. That baggage includes old patterns, fears, self-blame and society’s expectations.

And our shoulds can be some of the heaviest baggage we carry.

ABANDON does not always mean walking away from your job, your relationship, your responsibilities or the life you have created.

Sometimes it means walking away from the story that says:

• If I slow down, I am lazy.

• If I ask for help, I am weak.

• If I don’t have a bigger title, I am not successful.

• If my body doesn’t look a certain way, I should hide it.

• If I don’t know what I want next, I am behind.

• If I disappoint someone, I must have made the wrong choice.

• If my life doesn’t look impressive from the outside, I must be doing it wrong.

These stories aren’t harmless. They influence the choices we make, the risks we take, the way we speak to ourselves and what we believe we deserve.

They make us question our own desires.

They make us apologize for wanting more.

They convince us to wait until we are more prepared, more certain, more qualified, more organized or more acceptable.

And while we wait, our dreams get quieter.

Not because we stopped wanting them, but because the shoulds got louder.

It is time to turn the volume back up on your own voice.

The Stop Shoulding Yourself Audit

If you are still with me - GO YOU!!! Let’s put on some work boots!!

Take out a piece of paper and complete this sentence five times:

At this point in my life, I should ____________________.

Don’t clean up your answers. Don’t try to sound evolved or enlightened. Write down the thoughts that actually run through your head.

Now take each should through these questions:

1. Where did this story come from?

Who taught you that this was the standard?

Was it something your parents said? Something you learned at work? Something you absorbed from social media? Something you saw celebrated in other people?

Or is it possible that nobody ever actually said it at all?

2. What am I afraid this will mean about me if I don’t do it?

• If you don’t earn more money, are you afraid people will think you aren’t successful?

• If you don’t lose the weight, are you afraid you won’t be worthy of being seen?

• If you don’t have the answer, are you afraid people will question your intelligence?

• If you choose differently, are you afraid someone will be disappointed?

Get underneath the should. What are you really afraid it says about you?

3. Is this actually true?

Not familiar or not popular and/or not what everyone else seems to be doing.

But True.

Is it true that you are behind and everyone else has it figured out?

Is it true that your worth is measured by your title, bank account, body, productivity or perfectly managed life?

Or have you repeated the story so many times that you stopped questioning it?

4. What would I believe if I trusted myself instead?

• What if you believed your timeline was not late, but yours?

• What if you believed that uncertainty meant you were exploring, not failing?

• What if you believed that wanting more did not make you ungrateful?

• What if you believed you didn’t need everyone to understand your choices?

• What if your own voice became more powerful than the invisible audience?

5. What would I choose if nobody else had a vote?

Not your parents, boss, partners, friends or the people watching on social media.

Not the imaginary panel of judges living rent-free in your head.

You. What would you choose?

Rewrite the Rule

Now choose one should and rewrite it.

Start by crossing out the words I should.

Replace them with:

I choose...

I want...

I give myself permission to...

I am allowed to...

“I should be further along” becomes:

I am allowed to move at the pace of my own life.

“I should have everything figured out” becomes:

I trust myself to take the next quarter-inch step without knowing the entire path.

“I should be able to do everything” becomes:

I give myself permission to ask for help and decide what truly deserves my energy.

“I should look a certain way before I wear that” becomes:

I choose to stop postponing joy until my body meets someone else’s standard.

“I should be happy with what I have” becomes:

I can be grateful for my life and still be excited about what I want to create next.

“I should know my purpose” becomes:

I give myself permission to stay curious and let purpose reveal itself through action.

Notice the difference.

A should carries judgment.

A choice carries power.

You Are Not Behind

• You are not behind because your life doesn’t look like someone else’s.

• You are not failing because you don’t have every answer.

• You are not selfish because you want something different.

• You are not ungrateful because you have another dream.

• You are not weak because you need help.

• You are not too old, too late, too complicated or too much.

• You are a human being still becoming.

Your life does not have to follow a timeline you never created. It does not need to fit inside a definition of success you inherited.

And it definitely does not need the approval of an invisible audience.

• You get to question the rules.

• You get to rewrite the stories.

• You get to decide which expectations belong in your next season and which ones you are finally ready to abandon.

So the next time you hear yourself say, “I should,” pause.

Ask yourself: Who says?

And then ask the question that matters even more: What do I say?

Stop shoulding yourself.

Start choosing yourself.